Change is in the Air

Hey everyone,

We have just signed with Living Word Literary Agency this past week and have begun working with one of their agents to publish a book on marriage that is along the same lines of our blog. We are really excited!!!

Our agent had some great advice on how to reach more people with what we feel God has placed on our hearts about marriage and part of that was changing our title to help draw in more people. Thus, our new title (and Facebook group title and blog title) is The Holymess of Marriage.

The Facebook group change was easy but unfortunately, we had to create a whole new blog page. The new link is:

http://holymessofmarriage.blogspot.com/

Sorry for any inconvenience! Please update your links and please help spread the word as blogs and Facebook are a HUGE part of the publishing world now!

Thanks!!

As always - any thoughts, questions or suggestions, please don't hesitate to let us know!

Melissa's Flag

So Melis and I did this little book called All About Us about two years ago. The book is a Q and A book for couples to go through that help you get to know each other and create some fun conversations. We found it yesterday and we looking through it and were quite amused. In particular, there was one question that asked us to draw a flag that best represented our personalities. We got a huge laugh out of the flag that Melissa drew...

Down Time vs. Up Time

It seems like leisure time should be the least of anyone's worries when they get married. The assumption is that you will continue to hang out the same way you have always hung out while you were dating. For most married couples, that isn't the case...and in fact, finding down time that fits us both has been a struggle at times.

See, when we were living separately we had a lot of extra time away from one another to rest and relax in ways that best fit us. When we spent time together we were both coming in refreshed and with lots to give emotionally to our relationship. In some ways, the time that we spent apart from one another was just as important our time spent together. We didn't really give much thought to that when we got married and, again, just assumed all of the time spent together would be as fun as when we were dating.

Now though, because we live together and spend more time with one another it has been harder to find time to relax that is conducive to both of us.

For me, relaxing usually involves a screen - TV shows, movies, X-Box, computer, etc. It helps me turn my mind off and just be.

For Melissa, relaxing usually involves total quiet, a good book and maybe a nice bath.

Now I like reading and quiet at times but it doesn't normally relax me, instead it makes me think too much. My mind starts racing because I'm just "sitting" and I can't chill out. In the same way, Melissa enjoys a good movie and watching TV (still trying to get her to play X-Box with me...) but can only take so much before she has a headache.

Often times, we both get frustrated at each other when we are clashing with how to spend our time. Melissa gets mad that I always have to be "doing" something. I get frustrated because she doesn't want to do anything. The cycle goes on and on...but we both have specific needs for down time but just experience it differently.

In some ways, I think I would say Melissa needs down-time (not doing anything). I, on the other hand, need up-time (doing things that keep my mind quiet).

At first this was hard because we almost had an attitude that we needed to spend as much time together as possible but I think we are beginning to learn that alone time is so important at times. In fact, it actually helps our relationship because we are both able to put more into the time that we do have together because we are more refreshed and relaxed coming into it.

Holy Crap! What Did I Do?

You know one of the things people really don't tell you when you're engaged or newly married? They don't tell you that at some time, usually within a year, you and your spouse will get to a point where the phrase, "What the hell did I do?" will be running through your minds.

Yes, it happens. It happens alot. The funny thing about marriage is it brings up faults and failings in a way that not many other relationships can. I can't even count how many times after I have tried understanding Jake, tried "actively listening" to his views and repeated them back to him (like all good counselors and marriage books tell you to do) that I have then said, "Wow...ok....so your point doesn't make any sense, it's selfish and mean, you don't care about me at all...why am I even married to such a horrible person? How can you be SUCH a bad husband?"

Jake will agree with me about this. I've said it and I've thought it numerous times! The other day...even after all our counseling, talking, working, reading, and introspective discussions about healthy marriage habits....we were having a disagreement and I was losing my cool because I was SO right and Jake was SO awful and unreasonable (said with sarcasm) and I uttered the words, "If I had no morals...I would divorce your ass right now!" So mature of me.

But in a sense, it's true. It IS my morality that keeps me committed to Jake when I feel he's being a nut job. And it's Jake's morality that keeps him committed to me when I'm being less than wonderful as well. Not many people talk about it...but questioning things at times is totally normal. It's totally normal to think, "I have made such a big, bad mistake." We're all sinful and marriage creates a kind-of Petree Dish where these sins come out and mix around with each other. It's normal to be taken aback by your spouse's sins...I promise they are taken aback at yours! However, it's commitment that marriage promises before God and before others....it's this commitment we make that reminds us, reminds me, that while I don't always feel love towards Jake and feel like being married...I promised to.

My feelings go up and down. My feelings sometimes tell me that I would have been so much happier with this guy or that guy. My feelings at other times tell me I am so in love with Jake and he is the best husband in the world (I actually do think he is a great husband). Feelings ebb and flow. Many times when I want out of marriage, I can realize later that feeling is false because I don't really want out...I am just angry or frustrated about something and escaping seems easier than working it out.

God knew what He was doing when He made marriage a commitment and a promise for better or for worse. Better and worse happen. But I think if more people were open about the fact that all of us at some time or another question, "Did I marry the right person?" or "What did I get myself into?" It would help more marriages survive. Because then when those feelings and thoughts come up, it doesn't mean it's time to move on or to find another spouse that will make one happy and fulfilled. It would be just an accepted normal part of life and would only signal that there was an issue to work out....rather than signaling that the marriage was potentially over.

Does this make any sense? What do ya'll think about this?

-Melissa

Sabbath Rest

I'm busy. We're busy. Oftentimes too busy.

Our church this year is celebrating "Sabbath Rest" and taking a break from many of the programs we normally run. We are focusing on quality relationships with each other and with God. It's great in theory....but hard in practice.

Does my marriage have Sabbath Rest? I have been thinking about this lately. Being newly married brought alot of expectations to the table. We had to be disgustingly happy, having sex all the time, making a home, succeeding in our careers, having an awesome spiritual relationship together and individually, spend time with friends so they did not assume we'd "forgotten" them in our newly married bliss....and generally everything had to be rosy and wonderful. What a lot of work! And when any one of those things became less than the high expectations called for, we had to expend even more energy so things would be "ok".

Now that we're almost 4 years into it...we're still doing this I think. Now Jake and I just consume ourselves with the expectations for this next step in life and marriage...a house...a baby (no I'm not pregnant)...a retirement fund....another car...career success. When does it stop?

It stops when we decide we want it to. I think all those things are wonderful. But as I have been pondering, I have decided that they are not necessary for me to have a meaningful life or wonderful marriage. What Sabbath Rest would mean for my marriage would be for me to enjoy quiet times together of doing absolutley nothing. It would mean appreciating a fight as not something that signifies the end of the world...but rather something that brings Jake and I closer to intimacy and understanding. Can I trust God with all the expectations and enjoy the time He has given me with the people I care about in my life? That is rest I think.

The things I need to work on are spending time with people I love, spending more time with God, letting go of "where I should be in my life right now" and simply enjoying where I find myself, and trusting God to work out all the kinks...He always does :)

-Melissa

Hilarious Quote of The Week: "I'm not funny, ya wanna know why? We're going to have kids and they're going to be just like you and one day I'm going to kill myself and you'll come home and there will be a note that says 'The Kirchers Killed Me'."

Selfish Little Bugger

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

Our small group for church is listening to a CD series on marriage by Tim Keller. The very first session we listened to was about selfishness within relationships. Keller proposed an interesting concept that has totally thrown me for a loop. He states, "The root of all problems in relationships is selfishness." And damn it all if the man isn't right!

I didn't want to admit it at first. I came up with a bunch of different scenarios in my head that created "problems" that selfishness had nothing to do with. Hurrah! I didn't have to re-evaluate myself now. Yeah, except that as I thought it over more....in every one of my scenarios, I could dig deeper, find deeper issues at work....and at the very bottom of every one, the problem was selfishness. Snarky little bugger! It made me mad to be honest. I'm a Christian so my answer up until this point has always been, "Sin! Sin is the cause of problems in relationships."

Sin is an easy generalization. When you want to really get real...you (or I at this point) realized that the "sin" was either Jake being selfish or me being selfish. And our problems..our communication problems, sex problems, money problems, emotional problems...whatever...stem from the fact that I need, want, desire things one way and Jake needs, wants, desires them another way. And our sinful "selfish" nature's are constantly at war with one another.

Crap! Now I had to figure out how I was being selfish. You know the funny thing about figuring out the ways you are selfish....you never want to change any of them. Take, for instance, my example:

I realized one of my selfish tendencies was loving Jake by giving him what I wanted, lots of quality time together. But what he needs from me are verbal affirmations...alot of them. And I realized I was being selfish by giving him time, which is what I want, and not encouragement, which is what he wants.

Any of you that know me, know that I am sarcastic and blunt. I must be missing a woman gene or something because the idea of saying, "Great job honey for paying those bills!" is as stupid to me as saying, "Great job for breathing!" The bills need to be paid...so pay em'. Why do you need a pat on the back and two thumbs up for doing something that has to be done? I don't get it, I don't want to get it, I really think it's stupid.....but Jake doesn't. He feels loved when I encourage him or thank him for doing things. So Tim Keller (and God too) has won. I am really trying to find things to encourage Jake about.

Why does this help? Because I am not being selfish when I encourage Jake. I am giving of myself, I am doing something I don't want to do...for the good and benefit of another person. I'm not doing great at this yet...but I am trying. C.S. Lewis and Tim Keller and God (with God being obviously more important) are right...if we don't recognize that our nature is to be selfish we are in danger of hurting ourselves and our relationships. A selfish person has no love to give...they can't be hurt or vulnerable....but they won't be able to be in relationship with other people. Relationships of any kind. It's super hard to realize how selfish we are...but worth it to recognize and make efforts to give, when we'd all much rather receive.

-Melissa

Split Personality Disorder

This past Sunday with my youth group, we talked about personality as a means to understanding the person God has made each of us to be. It ended up leaning to quite an interesting conversation with Melissa about our individual personalities and how they affect our marriage.

Genesis defines marriage as two people becoming one flesh...and the two people can really rub each other the wrong way. Suddenly everything is shared, decisions have to be made together, you actually have to talk about your feelings and you spend alot more time together. Given the amount of change that happens in a relationship once two people get married, I think it's safe to say that that this new "one-flesh unit" struggles with a good dose of personality disorder. Melissa and I found the following to be really helpful in understanding ourselves better (not completely of course) and understanding why we might have struggles or areas where we seem to get along great.

Each persons personality is made of four different aspects of life:

1) How do you get energized?
- Extroverted - meaning being around people fills you up
- Introverted - meaning being alone fills you up.

2) How do you process information?
- Sensing - meaning you look for facts, things that can be determined with your five senses
- iNtuitive - meaning you look for abstract things and process theories

3) How do you make decisions?
- Thinking - meaning a factual process of A+B=C
- Feeling - meaning emotion based and more sympathetic

4) How do you live your life?
- Judging - meaning you like structure, plans and order
- Perceiving - meaning you like to go with the flow and spontaneity

Each persons personality is based upon those four categories and how they work as a combination.

My type is an INFJ and one of the descriptions explained that I have a "mysterious, intricately woven personality which sometimes puzzles even them." Which explains a lot and why I have a hard time sharing with Melissa about what I'm thinking and feeling - I tend to not even know myself. It frustrates Melissa to no end. "What do you mean you don't know how you feel?" she asks. She thinks I'm nuts that I can't figure out sometimes what is going on inside of me. But this test really helped her understand that I'm not holding back anything from her..it's just part of my personality that I need to work with.

Melissa, is an ISNTFJP...yep, that's right...when she took the test her scores all tied on every catagory except for the Introvert/Extrovert. She is wholly and completely an Introvert!! However even though her tied scores were unusual...and she joked that maybe it just meant she is crazy....the results of the test really made sense. She is very much emotional, go with the flow, and spontaneous; but her parents were very serious, factual, planned, and organized. She said she feels an internal struggle all the time...sometimes she needs things planned...sometimes not...sometimes she makes logical decisions...and sometimes not. It's sooo fun for me trying to figure out which planet she's on!

We read through the more detailed personality descriptions though and eventually decided she was an ISFP - she picked which ones she felt were stronger. Our differences explained a lot of the struggles we have given how I like things structured, ordered and planned and she likes to go with the flow. I process information abstractly, she processes information with her senses which plays itself out nicely as we evaluate life and how we see our relationship. There are pluses as well! We work together in some areas great by balancing each other out.

I would highly suggest for you all to take a personality test and explore about the way you are wired. It may lead to some interesting discoveries about your relationships and provide some hope that you're not crazy or messed up but just simply different.

To take a test and learn more, check out www.keirsey.com. Or, you can send me an e-mail (pastorjake10@gmail.com) and I can give you a test to take...

Have fun with it!

Jake

Crazy quote of the week:
Jake- "What about zoo's?" (in reference to a date night idea)
Melissa - "Zeriously?"