Change is in the Air

Hey everyone,

We have just signed with Living Word Literary Agency this past week and have begun working with one of their agents to publish a book on marriage that is along the same lines of our blog. We are really excited!!!

Our agent had some great advice on how to reach more people with what we feel God has placed on our hearts about marriage and part of that was changing our title to help draw in more people. Thus, our new title (and Facebook group title and blog title) is The Holymess of Marriage.

The Facebook group change was easy but unfortunately, we had to create a whole new blog page. The new link is:

http://holymessofmarriage.blogspot.com/

Sorry for any inconvenience! Please update your links and please help spread the word as blogs and Facebook are a HUGE part of the publishing world now!

Thanks!!

As always - any thoughts, questions or suggestions, please don't hesitate to let us know!

Melissa's Flag

So Melis and I did this little book called All About Us about two years ago. The book is a Q and A book for couples to go through that help you get to know each other and create some fun conversations. We found it yesterday and we looking through it and were quite amused. In particular, there was one question that asked us to draw a flag that best represented our personalities. We got a huge laugh out of the flag that Melissa drew...

Down Time vs. Up Time

It seems like leisure time should be the least of anyone's worries when they get married. The assumption is that you will continue to hang out the same way you have always hung out while you were dating. For most married couples, that isn't the case...and in fact, finding down time that fits us both has been a struggle at times.

See, when we were living separately we had a lot of extra time away from one another to rest and relax in ways that best fit us. When we spent time together we were both coming in refreshed and with lots to give emotionally to our relationship. In some ways, the time that we spent apart from one another was just as important our time spent together. We didn't really give much thought to that when we got married and, again, just assumed all of the time spent together would be as fun as when we were dating.

Now though, because we live together and spend more time with one another it has been harder to find time to relax that is conducive to both of us.

For me, relaxing usually involves a screen - TV shows, movies, X-Box, computer, etc. It helps me turn my mind off and just be.

For Melissa, relaxing usually involves total quiet, a good book and maybe a nice bath.

Now I like reading and quiet at times but it doesn't normally relax me, instead it makes me think too much. My mind starts racing because I'm just "sitting" and I can't chill out. In the same way, Melissa enjoys a good movie and watching TV (still trying to get her to play X-Box with me...) but can only take so much before she has a headache.

Often times, we both get frustrated at each other when we are clashing with how to spend our time. Melissa gets mad that I always have to be "doing" something. I get frustrated because she doesn't want to do anything. The cycle goes on and on...but we both have specific needs for down time but just experience it differently.

In some ways, I think I would say Melissa needs down-time (not doing anything). I, on the other hand, need up-time (doing things that keep my mind quiet).

At first this was hard because we almost had an attitude that we needed to spend as much time together as possible but I think we are beginning to learn that alone time is so important at times. In fact, it actually helps our relationship because we are both able to put more into the time that we do have together because we are more refreshed and relaxed coming into it.

Holy Crap! What Did I Do?

You know one of the things people really don't tell you when you're engaged or newly married? They don't tell you that at some time, usually within a year, you and your spouse will get to a point where the phrase, "What the hell did I do?" will be running through your minds.

Yes, it happens. It happens alot. The funny thing about marriage is it brings up faults and failings in a way that not many other relationships can. I can't even count how many times after I have tried understanding Jake, tried "actively listening" to his views and repeated them back to him (like all good counselors and marriage books tell you to do) that I have then said, "Wow...ok....so your point doesn't make any sense, it's selfish and mean, you don't care about me at all...why am I even married to such a horrible person? How can you be SUCH a bad husband?"

Jake will agree with me about this. I've said it and I've thought it numerous times! The other day...even after all our counseling, talking, working, reading, and introspective discussions about healthy marriage habits....we were having a disagreement and I was losing my cool because I was SO right and Jake was SO awful and unreasonable (said with sarcasm) and I uttered the words, "If I had no morals...I would divorce your ass right now!" So mature of me.

But in a sense, it's true. It IS my morality that keeps me committed to Jake when I feel he's being a nut job. And it's Jake's morality that keeps him committed to me when I'm being less than wonderful as well. Not many people talk about it...but questioning things at times is totally normal. It's totally normal to think, "I have made such a big, bad mistake." We're all sinful and marriage creates a kind-of Petree Dish where these sins come out and mix around with each other. It's normal to be taken aback by your spouse's sins...I promise they are taken aback at yours! However, it's commitment that marriage promises before God and before others....it's this commitment we make that reminds us, reminds me, that while I don't always feel love towards Jake and feel like being married...I promised to.

My feelings go up and down. My feelings sometimes tell me that I would have been so much happier with this guy or that guy. My feelings at other times tell me I am so in love with Jake and he is the best husband in the world (I actually do think he is a great husband). Feelings ebb and flow. Many times when I want out of marriage, I can realize later that feeling is false because I don't really want out...I am just angry or frustrated about something and escaping seems easier than working it out.

God knew what He was doing when He made marriage a commitment and a promise for better or for worse. Better and worse happen. But I think if more people were open about the fact that all of us at some time or another question, "Did I marry the right person?" or "What did I get myself into?" It would help more marriages survive. Because then when those feelings and thoughts come up, it doesn't mean it's time to move on or to find another spouse that will make one happy and fulfilled. It would be just an accepted normal part of life and would only signal that there was an issue to work out....rather than signaling that the marriage was potentially over.

Does this make any sense? What do ya'll think about this?

-Melissa

Sabbath Rest

I'm busy. We're busy. Oftentimes too busy.

Our church this year is celebrating "Sabbath Rest" and taking a break from many of the programs we normally run. We are focusing on quality relationships with each other and with God. It's great in theory....but hard in practice.

Does my marriage have Sabbath Rest? I have been thinking about this lately. Being newly married brought alot of expectations to the table. We had to be disgustingly happy, having sex all the time, making a home, succeeding in our careers, having an awesome spiritual relationship together and individually, spend time with friends so they did not assume we'd "forgotten" them in our newly married bliss....and generally everything had to be rosy and wonderful. What a lot of work! And when any one of those things became less than the high expectations called for, we had to expend even more energy so things would be "ok".

Now that we're almost 4 years into it...we're still doing this I think. Now Jake and I just consume ourselves with the expectations for this next step in life and marriage...a house...a baby (no I'm not pregnant)...a retirement fund....another car...career success. When does it stop?

It stops when we decide we want it to. I think all those things are wonderful. But as I have been pondering, I have decided that they are not necessary for me to have a meaningful life or wonderful marriage. What Sabbath Rest would mean for my marriage would be for me to enjoy quiet times together of doing absolutley nothing. It would mean appreciating a fight as not something that signifies the end of the world...but rather something that brings Jake and I closer to intimacy and understanding. Can I trust God with all the expectations and enjoy the time He has given me with the people I care about in my life? That is rest I think.

The things I need to work on are spending time with people I love, spending more time with God, letting go of "where I should be in my life right now" and simply enjoying where I find myself, and trusting God to work out all the kinks...He always does :)

-Melissa

Hilarious Quote of The Week: "I'm not funny, ya wanna know why? We're going to have kids and they're going to be just like you and one day I'm going to kill myself and you'll come home and there will be a note that says 'The Kirchers Killed Me'."

Selfish Little Bugger

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

Our small group for church is listening to a CD series on marriage by Tim Keller. The very first session we listened to was about selfishness within relationships. Keller proposed an interesting concept that has totally thrown me for a loop. He states, "The root of all problems in relationships is selfishness." And damn it all if the man isn't right!

I didn't want to admit it at first. I came up with a bunch of different scenarios in my head that created "problems" that selfishness had nothing to do with. Hurrah! I didn't have to re-evaluate myself now. Yeah, except that as I thought it over more....in every one of my scenarios, I could dig deeper, find deeper issues at work....and at the very bottom of every one, the problem was selfishness. Snarky little bugger! It made me mad to be honest. I'm a Christian so my answer up until this point has always been, "Sin! Sin is the cause of problems in relationships."

Sin is an easy generalization. When you want to really get real...you (or I at this point) realized that the "sin" was either Jake being selfish or me being selfish. And our problems..our communication problems, sex problems, money problems, emotional problems...whatever...stem from the fact that I need, want, desire things one way and Jake needs, wants, desires them another way. And our sinful "selfish" nature's are constantly at war with one another.

Crap! Now I had to figure out how I was being selfish. You know the funny thing about figuring out the ways you are selfish....you never want to change any of them. Take, for instance, my example:

I realized one of my selfish tendencies was loving Jake by giving him what I wanted, lots of quality time together. But what he needs from me are verbal affirmations...alot of them. And I realized I was being selfish by giving him time, which is what I want, and not encouragement, which is what he wants.

Any of you that know me, know that I am sarcastic and blunt. I must be missing a woman gene or something because the idea of saying, "Great job honey for paying those bills!" is as stupid to me as saying, "Great job for breathing!" The bills need to be paid...so pay em'. Why do you need a pat on the back and two thumbs up for doing something that has to be done? I don't get it, I don't want to get it, I really think it's stupid.....but Jake doesn't. He feels loved when I encourage him or thank him for doing things. So Tim Keller (and God too) has won. I am really trying to find things to encourage Jake about.

Why does this help? Because I am not being selfish when I encourage Jake. I am giving of myself, I am doing something I don't want to do...for the good and benefit of another person. I'm not doing great at this yet...but I am trying. C.S. Lewis and Tim Keller and God (with God being obviously more important) are right...if we don't recognize that our nature is to be selfish we are in danger of hurting ourselves and our relationships. A selfish person has no love to give...they can't be hurt or vulnerable....but they won't be able to be in relationship with other people. Relationships of any kind. It's super hard to realize how selfish we are...but worth it to recognize and make efforts to give, when we'd all much rather receive.

-Melissa

Split Personality Disorder

This past Sunday with my youth group, we talked about personality as a means to understanding the person God has made each of us to be. It ended up leaning to quite an interesting conversation with Melissa about our individual personalities and how they affect our marriage.

Genesis defines marriage as two people becoming one flesh...and the two people can really rub each other the wrong way. Suddenly everything is shared, decisions have to be made together, you actually have to talk about your feelings and you spend alot more time together. Given the amount of change that happens in a relationship once two people get married, I think it's safe to say that that this new "one-flesh unit" struggles with a good dose of personality disorder. Melissa and I found the following to be really helpful in understanding ourselves better (not completely of course) and understanding why we might have struggles or areas where we seem to get along great.

Each persons personality is made of four different aspects of life:

1) How do you get energized?
- Extroverted - meaning being around people fills you up
- Introverted - meaning being alone fills you up.

2) How do you process information?
- Sensing - meaning you look for facts, things that can be determined with your five senses
- iNtuitive - meaning you look for abstract things and process theories

3) How do you make decisions?
- Thinking - meaning a factual process of A+B=C
- Feeling - meaning emotion based and more sympathetic

4) How do you live your life?
- Judging - meaning you like structure, plans and order
- Perceiving - meaning you like to go with the flow and spontaneity

Each persons personality is based upon those four categories and how they work as a combination.

My type is an INFJ and one of the descriptions explained that I have a "mysterious, intricately woven personality which sometimes puzzles even them." Which explains a lot and why I have a hard time sharing with Melissa about what I'm thinking and feeling - I tend to not even know myself. It frustrates Melissa to no end. "What do you mean you don't know how you feel?" she asks. She thinks I'm nuts that I can't figure out sometimes what is going on inside of me. But this test really helped her understand that I'm not holding back anything from her..it's just part of my personality that I need to work with.

Melissa, is an ISNTFJP...yep, that's right...when she took the test her scores all tied on every catagory except for the Introvert/Extrovert. She is wholly and completely an Introvert!! However even though her tied scores were unusual...and she joked that maybe it just meant she is crazy....the results of the test really made sense. She is very much emotional, go with the flow, and spontaneous; but her parents were very serious, factual, planned, and organized. She said she feels an internal struggle all the time...sometimes she needs things planned...sometimes not...sometimes she makes logical decisions...and sometimes not. It's sooo fun for me trying to figure out which planet she's on!

We read through the more detailed personality descriptions though and eventually decided she was an ISFP - she picked which ones she felt were stronger. Our differences explained a lot of the struggles we have given how I like things structured, ordered and planned and she likes to go with the flow. I process information abstractly, she processes information with her senses which plays itself out nicely as we evaluate life and how we see our relationship. There are pluses as well! We work together in some areas great by balancing each other out.

I would highly suggest for you all to take a personality test and explore about the way you are wired. It may lead to some interesting discoveries about your relationships and provide some hope that you're not crazy or messed up but just simply different.

To take a test and learn more, check out www.keirsey.com. Or, you can send me an e-mail (pastorjake10@gmail.com) and I can give you a test to take...

Have fun with it!

Jake

Crazy quote of the week:
Jake- "What about zoo's?" (in reference to a date night idea)
Melissa - "Zeriously?"

You Can't Have Holy Without Crap

Watch almost any movie or TV show. Listen to popular music that poetically talks about relationships. Read some self help books. What do the majority of these things tell us is the secret to life? You being happy and taking care of your needs. And when it comes to marriage it’s all about you having those warm fuzzy feelings of butterflies when you are around your spouse and you being able to be turned on sexually by your significant other. What happens when you don’t have that loving feeling anymore? It’s time to move on to the next relationship…that will fulfill YOU!

Living this way is so hard not to fall into as Melissa and I consistently find one another looking out for ourselves first. We’ve never actually said these words in a fight but it’s like we are saying to the other, “I’ll unconditionally love you when you unconditionally love me.” This idea will never produce a healthy marriage. In fact, I believe it is destroying our families today as over 50% of marriages end in divorce, but it is also stunting our growth as individuals. What do I mean by that?

In my opinion, it is more so the tough times, the times of suffering and the challenges that we face that mold and shape us. We learn from those times so much more than if life were easy all the time. When we choose to avoid confrontation or to play it safe, we lose out on a natural process of growth and deepening of wisdom, understanding, and faith.

The circumstances that Melissa and I have had to deal with in the first three and a half years of our marriage were really hard. The time we spent dating was no picnic either. It was a pretty messy time in our relationship. People in college thought we were crazy (and they were right). We were asked to move out of our first apartment because we weren’t fighting well and our landlord’s kids could hear us yelling. We have had to deal with a bout of pornography that I struggled with back in college. Bottom line: that warm fuzzy feeling didn’t follow us for very long and we had plenty of very good reasons to throw in the towel. Truth is we probably should have at least taken a break during our Sophomore Year of Hell. Although that didn’t really work for Ross and Rachel, so maybe it wouldn’t have worked for us either.

But you know what? As I sit here now and reflect, I wouldn’t change one thing and I know Melissa wouldn’t either! Sure, there are plenty of stupid things we both said or did that we wish we could take back. But overall each of these very difficult situations that we have dealt with have made us stronger and taught us a lot about ourselves, each other and God.

Getting kicked out of our first apartment helped us to get over the fear of asking for help and going to see a counselor. It taught us humility, how to begin to listen to one another, and how to be self controlled. Dealing with the pornography issue taught us forgiveness, compassion, and honestly. The issues we dealt with in college taught us about friendship, how to balance time together with the rest of life, and more. And I could keep going on and on.

We have stuck things out and are both better because of it. Individually, we are a little more loving and more like Jesus. And these things don’t just affect our marriage today, but also impact how we deal with life and other people. This is what makes marriage so holy, awesome and unique.

Jake

Like Rabbits Right?

Jake, I, and a bunch of our friends were hanging out last Saturday night at this local diner. It was pretty late and we were kinda punchy....so we started talking about sex! All of us were married at the table, so it wasn't too uncomfortable (except for me...I get a little squirmy using certain words!) We started talking about the difference that most of us felt in our sex drives once the ring was on the finger. Our friend Larissa summed it up pretty well when she said, "You think you can't keep your hands off each other? Well, guess what? YOU CAN! Just get married."

We've talked to a lot of couples who have found that the insane sex drive they had while dating...seems to get lost somewhere after the marriage ceremony. For some people (and I know some..wink) they have no problems with their sex drive at all. That's totally great! But many of us do. Jake and I had pretty high expectations about sex when we were dating and engaged. It had been a long.....long.....long....hard battle to keep our hands off each other until we got married. And we failed oh so miserably. Anything that wasn't "technically" sex....yeah we did it. It wasn't the best for our relationship and created a lot of guilty feelings, but thank goodness God forgives lots of mistakes.

But we had managed somehow to not have sex until after the wedding. And we expected it to be this awesome, fulfilling, romantic, and passionate thing that we were going to do ALL THE TIME; at least for the first year or so. It took exactly one night together for us to realize that reality doesn’t live up to the fantasies that can be built up in our minds. We found that in reality, sex after marriage takes work, just like every other part of a relationship.

Work is not sexy. And once you're married, sex isn't "forbidden" anymore. There's no dangerous, excitement of "oh we shouldn't be doing this...but it feels so good." That's not a bad thing....but for some reason it does impact sexual desire. Jake and I are almost 4 years into marriage...and we're still working on this sex thing! I think, in talking to a lot of other people about this, that it's totally normal to see fluctuations in sexual desire and frequency. Life throws a lot of different things at us....and that stuff affects sex. If you and your spouse are having it a lot and you're both happy with that (and not too tired)...fantastic. If you're having sex a moderate amount...and you're both happy with it....great. Even if sex is only here and there...if you're both satisfied....I think it's totally normal. We've found it helpful...as awkward as it feels...to check in with each other and see if we're both happy with how much sex is happening. If one person is not...we try...and fail....and try some more...to adjust so that we're both getting our needs met. Talking about sex with each other and other people is hard, but it helps us to communicate better and not feel so alone when we face problems or have questions.


Our crazy quote of the week: Jake is dancing around like a maniac. Melissa - "I think God is regretting you just a little bit right now." Jake - "No He's not, I'm using all my muscle groups!"

Banished to the Couch...Kind of

Melissa and I haven’t slept in the same room, let alone bed, for almost a year now.

Now, before you get all bent out of shape thinking that I did something horribly wrong and got grounded to the couch for an extended period of time, let me explain.

Melissa is an insanely light sleeper…anything and everything wakes her up. On top of that, she can’t wear ear plugs because she gets ear infections.

I, on the other hand, am a very deep sleeper and do everything known to man in my sleep: talk, snore, breathe loud, fart, toss and turn, steal the covers and violently convulse…and I’m sure I’m leaving something out.

One night, Melissa was startled awake and when she opened her groggy eyes, she saw a black figure at the foot of the bed. After a second she realized the black figure was poking her in the leg and was a little weirded out. Eventually she realized that it was me and she asked me what the heck I was doing. I expressed in a cheerful voice, “I’m looking for you.” She told me to knock it off and go back to bed and I did. I don’t remember ever doing that…

On the flip side, one evening wasn’t as funny. I was muttering in my sleep and keeping Melissa awake so she tried to wake me up. I snapped at her and told her that I wasn’t muttering and got pissed at her for waking me up. She, realizing I was actually still asleep, tried to tell me to wake up. I snapped at her again that I was awake. This proceeded a few more turns until I glared at her and yelled for her to leave me alone and stop telling me that I was asleep.

At this point, fearing for her life, Melissa grabbed a blanket, our dauschund and her cell phone and went out to the couch. She dialed the numbers 9-1-1 into her phone and set it on the table in front of her and sat, cuddling with our dog, watching the bedroom door until she fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I went out into the living room, stretched and gave Melissa a big kiss and expressed, “I slept so well last night. How did you sleep?” Turns out Melissa was right…I had been asleep. I don’t remember that either.

Because of our complete opposite sleeping patterns, we bought five mattresses before our third anniversary. We went from a full to a queen to a king sized Bob-o-pedic to two twins. When we got the twins they were next to each other, then across the room from one another and then in totally separate rooms.

On top of that, we have tried running an air purifier, wearing nose strips and I even got surgery on my nose…which didn’t work and was a waste of $250.

So, it’s almost been a year since we slept in the same room.

Why do I share this with you all? I think there are two things that we have learned about marriage from this process.

First, before we got to the point where we decided to sleep in different rooms, we were really embarrassed about the possibility. We thought it was a sign that our marriage was going to fall apart and expressed that it couldn’t be healthy. We finally ended up just talking to someone in our church about it who told us that her brother and his wife had to do the same thing. And then we heard pretty much the same thing from someone else. And then someone else.

Why is it that when we face issues within marriage, the first reaction is often “we are so messed up.” We tend to look at a lot of issues as unique to our own marriage and assume no one else struggles with it. From what Melissa and I have found, this couldn’t be further from the truth. One of the best things that you can do for your marriage is to be open and honest about your struggles because you are not alone in them. When you can learn to talk to others you will quickly find hope and encouragement that make the issues not such a big deal anymore.

Second, as good as it is to prepare for marriage with pre-marital counseling, reading books and going to seminars, I think there will always be a handful of things that you just can’t prepare to deal with. There will always be surprises in life. If someone had asked Melissa and I to make a list of the top 10 things we would struggle with when we got married, I doubt that sleeping would have even made the list. It might not have made the top 20…

Marriage though is about perseverance and sticking things out. You can’t escape ever getting thrown curveballs in life, so it’s better to stop running away from them and instead figure out how to hit them out of the park.

Does sleeping in separate rooms suck? Yea! Is it frustrating and does it create tension at times? Sure! But does it hurt our marriage, no…in a lot of ways it has helped our marriage tremendously because Melissa sleeps now at night. We’ve had to learn that it is just one of those things in life that is what it is.

What things are you struggling with right now?

Is there anything that you feel like you and your spouse are the only ones struggling with it?

We encourage you to post your comments her or find some friends to talk to. We guarantee you, you aren’t alone.

Jake

Jessica Simpson Helped My Marriage

So I (Melissa) was thinking the other day about Jessica Simpson. Ha! Yes, that's really where we're going to start with this blog. Good old Jessica Simpson. But really, I was thinking about the MTV show that was on a couple of years ago called Newlyweds that featured a "real" look into the new marriage of quasi-celebrities Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I was totally addicted, as my college roommates will attest to, and so were many, many other people. In fact Jessica and Nick became uber-famous simply because they allowed the public an insider's look into their everyday married life.

I have two observations I think are worth noting about the whole ridiculousness of the show and what it actually represented on a social level to many who watched it. It was interesting to note how successful this show about marriage became. It exploded in ratings and made Jessica and Nick a ton of money. Why? I think because it allowed us as the public to view the messy, regular, relatively "normal" aspects of newly married life. While they were still celebrities, we got to see Jessica burp, whine about laundry, say stupid things, get mad at her husband, and let her guard down with him in moments of pure silliness. We got to see Nick get annoyed at his wife, try to fix things and move furniture on his own, make bad decisions, support his wife's career, and let loose with his friends. It was great to "connect" with this couple through television....it was like therapy. "Hey other people fight too!" There are so many stereotypes and false expectations that society and the media portray about what married life should look and feel like. I think many of us wonder if we're doing it all wrong when the "newly-wed-ness" isn't feeling so picture perfect like it's supposed to be. I think Newlyweds made us all breathe a collective sigh of relief that real marriages do experience fights just as much as happiness. And that's it's not all picture perfect, not even for the rich and famous.

Secondly, I would like to point out how fast the fame disappeared for Jessica and Nick as soon as the show ended and their divorce became public. These two people were celebrities simply because they were married and as soon as that ship sailed...so did their fame. It is so interesting to me and this is why: I think that our generation of 20-30 somethings and the generation of teenagers below us are voraciously hungry to see marriages survive. We have grown up with a 50% percent divorce rate. It's utterly common-place to see families and marriages ripped apart on a daily basis. And most social scientists have statistic after statistic on how this negatively impacts our society. Divorce hurts. It's hurts the parents and it hurts the children. I know, because I have parents who are divorced. Sure you can accept it and heal from it; God is a great Redeemer of hurting hearts. But while the pain can be healed, the broken relationship between the divorced parties remains. And we are left to deal with our own broken families or the broken families of friends or spouses. I think our generation responded to Newlyweds so strongly because we desperately wanted to believe that there was some hope for marriage left. We wanted Jessica and Nick to stay married. We wanted to see a marriage work, to see commitment happen. And when their marriage ended in divorce, we cast them off. After all, divorce is old news. How many times have we all heard, "It's just not working out any more, I'm not happy." As a public, we felt disillusioned and un-empathetic because we were hungry not to see a marriage fail...but to see a marriage succeed.

So what can we take away from my musings about Newlyweds? Perhaps that there is a reality behind every marriage that doesn't live up to "image" of happily ever after that we all try to portray. I think that is normal. I think it's normal to fight, normal to be annoyed, normal to act totally goofy, normal to say stupid things and laugh at each other. It's okay to have a real marriage and that means a lot of ups and downs. And I also think it's good to be aware of what is going on in our society concerning marriage and divorce. It's good to dig deep and try to understand our own personal feelings about commitment and to talk to each other about those feelings and ideas.

What do you think our culture and media tell us marriage should look like?

Do you agree that our generation wants to see marriages stand the test of time?

Let us know your thoughts.

-Melissa

Our New Blog - Why Are We Writing It?

When my wife and I were married a little over three-and-a-half years ago we did everything we could to go into our marriage with our eyes wide open. We went to counseling when we dated to work through past issues, we had pre-marital counseling with our pastor and his wife, we read a handful of books, and we went on an Engagement Matters retreat with Paul and Virginia Friesen. We went in expecting it to be hard and ready to work, but yet months into our marriage we felt everything we had done had not prepared us for what we encountered in our first couple years of marriage. Why, despite all our efforts, did we feel so in the dark about what was happening?

As we have talked to numerous other couples who were beginning marriage we quickly found that we were not alone in our feelings. Marriage counseling, books, and retreats were leaving other couples our age feeling the same way: unprepared and scared that the issues they were facing were unique to them. What is it about our generation that what has worked in the past seems to now be coming up short?

Welcome to postmodernism…

Our culture is shifting and changing and young people are now tackling the world, and marriage, from a different perspective. Despite this fact, so many resources are failing to take this into account. Where formulas, well thought out logic, and regurgitating the right answers once sufficed; the desire to experience marriage with others and learn from one another’s stories has taken their place. The element of being politically correct and avoiding certain topics when in company of others that was so prevalent with our parents is now the complete opposite of what more and more young couples actually need. This blog is our response to this need...

Our desire is that through very honest and transparent stories from our own marriage and relationship, we want to provide a glimpse of our journey through marriage and encourage other couples to join in on the conversation.

Holy Crap: Discussions About Real Marriage is not about getting the answers to all your marital problems but about being honest, open and real about life and marriage. Most of all, it is about providing hope to couples that marriage can be quite crappy for everyone at times but if you are willing to put the work in and be patient, you can experience all the blessings of marriage that make it so holy at the same time.

We'll have some new content coming soon. I hope you will join us in the discussion about marriage!

Talk to you soon,

Jake and Melissa